As I explore this concept of an inner child, I struggle. It makes no sense to me intellectually. But something stirs deep inside of me when I hear others speak of this. Somehow, deep inside of me, I know it to be truth.
There is a war going on inside of me....there has been for many many years. Rebellion, anguish, grief, rage, anger, bitterness, resentments, addictions to food, drugs, alcohol, sex, more of anything to fill that empty place in my shattered soul, Numerous abusive relationships that have left me in a greater shattered state. I have given myself away for crumbs of attention and affection, confusing sex for love. This has only piled more devastation into the hellish pit of despair and self loathing, shame and humiliation.
I have pondered the scripture in Matthew 18:3,4 Unless you become as a little child you will not enter the Kingdom. This statement make by Yeshua makes me think of this inner child business. And, I take it to my Higher Power, who I choose to recognize as the Creator. Every time I take it to Him, He, within a short period of time, leads me right back to this issue of inner child.
I am realizing more and more that I do have an inner child, and she went into hiding in order to survive the beatings from her brothers, and the tyranny of an abusive father. She went into hiding to cope with the molestation's she endured. She went into hiding in order to endure all the chaos and all torments of growing up in an alcoholic dysfunctional home that was void of the love, affection and healthy attention. She was left with no other alternative but to go into survivor mode, into hiding her true precious self. This forced her to develop what is called a false self. A survivor self.
As "they" say in the 12 step meeting, the addictions were only a symptom of our dis-ease. Freedom comes with acceptance. Freedom comes from admission there is a problem. Freedom comes from embracing that which was broken and nurturing that brokenness into health. Freedom comes to the inner child when the adult surrenders and embraces that broken precious child.
For me, today, its taken me years of other 12 step programs, reading a library of books on these topics, obtaining formal education, and other hoops I have jumped through to come to a surrendering...I cannot figure it out, it does not make sense intellectually...that it is a deeply spiritual truth. It is a heart issue. A broken heart. My little girls heart was broken into a million pieces. All the therapy I have engaged in through the years was only a band-aid. The deep wounding in my soul was still infected, still tender with that infection, those wounds so easily bled with the slightest outside pressures. That is called a trigger. A word, a look, a slight, not receiving a prompt answer back, and countless other normal life interactions can set the wound to bleeding again. The wound, to be healed, needs proper care.
You, like me, may have had a difficult childhood. Maybe you also went into hiding to survive and have developed a "false self" that has enabled you to survive. Maybe you are successful in a career, but yet you know something is still not right but you do not know what that is. Maybe in-spite of your great success in a career, your personal relationships are in a shambles. Maybe you are like me...no matter how hard you have tried to make your life work, you find yourself facing your elder years still broken but not knowing why.
I invite you on this journey of healing and restoration. It is a journey of discovering who He created me to be, who He created you to be. It is a journey of learning to love ourselves, to re-parent ourselves, embracing all of our various parts that were shattered and scattered.
He is my Hiding Place...He is the source of all true healing and restoration. I wanted to share this song with you and I invite you to sing along with it and as you sing, may you find the courage to explore your own inner child. May you embrace the Word and become as a little child....His child.
https://youtu.be/uUx2WcC9JKo
