JUMP!!!

                                                Jump!!!

Facts

• Nearly 4000 Americans die each year in house fires and over 2000 are severely injured.

• In only 3 1/2 minutes, the heat from a house fire can reach over 1100 degrees Fahrenheit.

• About 80% of all civilian deaths from fire occur in the home.

• In rooms that are not even on fire, the temperature can reach over 300 degrees; this is hot enough to melt plastic and kill the people in those rooms.

• Adults 65 and older are more than twice as likely to die in fires as the overall population.

• The leading cause of fire deaths is careless smoking.

• Having a working smoke detector more than doubles one's chances of surviving a fire.

• In 2005, 106 firefighters died in the line of duty in the United States.

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The Lord's Coming Salvation52 

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The Future Glory of Israel60 

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he Factors Contributing to Fatalities

• Fire produces gases and fumes that can make you sleepy, weak, and confused. You can't smell these fumes, so if you are asleep the smell won't wake you – but a smoke alarm will.
• Unlike fires in the movies, the smoke from a house fire can be so thick that your house would be completely dark in 4 minutes, even with all the light

(https://sf-fire.org/home-fire-facts)

Fire...fast, furious, and powerful...it kills nearly 4,000  people a year with its smoke before the actual flickering flames reach its victims...Many lives have been taken from inhaling smoke while they slept, never knowing they were in danger of death...

Are you sleepy from the fumes all around us? Chemtrails, GMO foods, electromagnetic fields, 5G to name a few of the enemy's strategies to kill us or making us comfortably numb and dumbed down...Are you slumbering while the smoke is all around you...have you grown accustomed to the smell? Have you plugged in one of those toxic scents to overlay the sent of death? Maybe you are hip to the toxicity of those plugins, so you have chosen to light a scented candle to eliminate the stench of the immorality of the wickedness abounding everywhere?  Have you perhaps developed maladaptive coping skills so that you can continue to carry on your life as before, meanwhile Rome is burning?  Have you become desensitized to its hypnotic flames? 

Awaken O Sleeper!!!

^m“Awake, O sleeper,

and ⁿarise from the dead,

and ^oChrist will shine on you.”

17  ^pWake yourself, wake yourself,

stand up, O Jerusalem,

^qyou who have drunk from the hand of the LORD

the cup of his wrath,

who have drunk to the dregs

the bowl, ^rthe cup of staggering.

^cAwake, awake,

put on your strength, O Zion;

^dput on your beautiful garments,

O Jerusalem, ^ethe holy city;

^ffor there shall no more come into you

the uncircumcised and the unclean.

^bArise, shine, for your light has come,

and ^cthe glory of the LORD has risen upon you.

2 But for you ^vwho fear my name, ^wthe sun ^xof righteousness shall rise ^ywith healingin its wings. You shall go out ^zleaping like calves from the stall.

11 Besides this you know the time, that the hour has come for you ^bto wake from sleep.^cFor salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed.

Jump!!! 

 WHAT???  I am afraid, you may say...

Fear! 

Fear of heights? Fear of what? What are you afraid of?

Trusting Him...

Trust that He has you...that He will catch you as you leap into His strong arms...

The building is on fire!!! Do you not see what is happening all around us? The civil unrest, the child sacrifices, the identity crisis, the immorality on steroids, the generationally ingrained domestic violence, the porn addiction, the opioid and drug addictions, suicides, genocides, racism in full swing, Isis, false teachers, false gospel, false religions, demons manifesting all around us... the, the , the,....you name what you are seeing in your neck of the woods...what kind of fire do you see? How many buildings are on fire in your neighborhood?

He is beckoning His children to trust Him enough to make that leap of faith!

What is He calling you to? Is He calling you to move? Is He calling you to speak out, to use your gifts and talents for His Kingdom building? Is He calling you to love others as He loves you?

Child-Like faith is needed in these last days...whatever He has called you to do...He will rescue you from the fears, the doubts, the unbelief, the lack of confidence in the gifts and talents He put in you to be used for such a time as THIS!

Picture a child, her father asks her to jump into His arms....what is a trusting child-like? What is her response?  She trusts her father, she KNOWS his arms are the strongest in the whole world, she KNOWS he will NOT drop her! It does not even enter into her mind that he would not catch her as she leaps into outstretched arms...

Maybe you, like me, have not had such a great experience with a father and its trickled into your adult life...Trust...Trust Him...He is not a man, He will not betray you too....Trust Him and the calling He has on your life...Trust this...Philippians 1:6

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

 confident in HIM...

He will rescue you from the burning building!!! JUMP!!!! 

You are My Hiding Place

                                               

                                                          


As I explore this concept of  an inner child, I struggle. It makes no sense to me intellectually. But  something  stirs deep inside of me when I hear others speak of this. Somehow, deep inside of me, I know it to be truth.  


There is a war going on inside of me....there has been for many many years. Rebellion, anguish, grief, rage, anger, bitterness, resentments, addictions to food, drugs, alcohol, sex, more of anything to fill that empty place in my shattered soul, Numerous abusive relationships that have left me in a greater shattered state. I have  given myself away for crumbs of attention and affection, confusing sex for love. This has only piled more devastation  into the hellish pit of despair and self loathing, shame and humiliation.

 I have pondered the scripture in  Matthew 18:3,4 Unless you become as a little child you will not enter the Kingdom. This statement make by Yeshua  makes me think of this inner child business.  And, I take it to my Higher Power, who I choose to recognize as the Creator. Every time I take it to Him, He, within a short period of time, leads me right back to this issue of inner child. 


I am realizing more and  more that I do have an inner child, and she went into hiding in order to survive the beatings from her brothers, and the tyranny of an abusive father. She went into hiding to cope with the molestation's she endured. She went into hiding in order to endure all the chaos and all  torments of growing up in an alcoholic dysfunctional home that was void of the  love, affection and healthy attention. She was left with no other alternative but to go into survivor mode, into hiding her true precious self. This forced her to develop what is called a false self. A survivor self. 

As "they" say in the 12 step meeting, the addictions were only a symptom of our dis-ease. Freedom comes with acceptance. Freedom comes from admission there is a problem. Freedom comes from embracing that which was broken and nurturing that brokenness into health. Freedom comes to the inner child when the adult surrenders and embraces that broken precious child.

For me, today, its taken me years of other 12 step programs, reading a library of books on these topics, obtaining formal education, and other hoops I have jumped through to come to a surrendering...I cannot figure it out, it does not make sense intellectually...that it is a deeply spiritual truth. It is a heart issue. A broken heart. My little girls heart was broken into a million pieces. All the therapy I have engaged in through the years was only a band-aid. The deep wounding in my soul was still infected, still tender with that infection, those wounds so easily bled with the slightest outside pressures. That is called a trigger. A word, a look, a slight, not receiving a prompt answer back, and countless other normal life interactions can set the wound to bleeding again. The wound, to be healed, needs proper care. 

You, like me, may have had a difficult childhood. Maybe you also went into hiding to survive and have developed a "false self" that has enabled you to survive. Maybe you are successful in a career, but yet you know something is still not right but you do not know what that is. Maybe in-spite of your great success in a career,  your personal relationships are in a shambles.  Maybe you are like me...no matter how hard you have tried to make your life work, you find yourself facing your elder years still broken but not knowing why. 

 I invite you on this journey of healing and restoration. It is a journey of discovering who He created me to be, who He created you to be. It is a journey of learning to love ourselves, to re-parent ourselves, embracing all of our various parts that were shattered and scattered.


He is my Hiding Place...He is the source of all true healing and restoration. I wanted to share this song with you and I invite you to sing along with it and as you sing, may you find the courage to explore your own inner child. May you embrace the Word and become as a little child....His child. 



https://youtu.be/uUx2WcC9JKo

Sukkot with the Woman at the Well

Powerless over others 

opinion

 of her

she again found herself 

ostracized

rejected

dejected

alone...

while

others 

celebrate the most joyous feast days

together

Sukkot 

the feast of Tabernacles

the time of the Messiah's birth

the looking forward to His return

when He will rule His Kingdom...

with an iron fist...

and a balance of love...

she

alone...void of love...

while others celebrate 

joyous...dancing, feasting,

reveling...

with one another...

she 

Woman at the Well...

despised Samaritan...

    faces yet another commanded moadim

alone...

every season, 

every feast day, 

she wonders...

and wonders,

hopes

 prays

this time it will be different

this time someone will take notice

of her poverty, of her loneliness

and love her

accept her

give her a place 

at their table

at their camp

at their fire

like He commanded them to...

but...

again...

not this year...

not this time...

not this moadim

not this feast

she, alone...

will face another void of love...

and turn...

to her Savior...

her Beloved...

and seek His face...

His love...

His acceptance...

because

she

too

belongs

to the King...

MDSW2022

Yom Kippur

What/Who am I to You, Yahweh?
King of Kings, Lord of Lords,
The Great I am that I am
Elohim above ALL Elohim
Why do you care for me?
As dirty and sinful as I am?
As many times as I fall
flat on my shameful face
because of these stubborn
ingrained
mindsets
behaviors
tumultuous feelings
manifesting as
 pride
 arrogance
selfishness

self this, self that

self-pity
self-rejection
self-centeredness
self-focused
self-neglect

self
self
self

deliver me from the bondage of

self...

You and only You can free me,
 forgive me
 purge me
 renew me
  regenerate me
 heal me...

resetting my soul

before all the trauma
drama
chaos

hijacking my heart
my brain,
my very soul

morphing me
into this self-absorbed
wounded animal,

 nursing my wounds...
creating a barrier around my heart
self-protecting
even from You, my Deliverer

Will I, even I?

be written in Your book of Life

or Your book of the dead?

Eve YHWH's Lifegiver by Boaz Nieuwhof

Since I wrote my book Fragments of A Tapestry so much has happened...good, and bad. I have had victories and many defeats. Lost a son to death and lost a son to the criminal justice system. Lost three husbands, career, education and almost my sanity.

But, still, I stand. Still, I speak, Still, I write...still...I worship my King, my Kinsman Redeemer, my Deliverer and my Best Friend...

The Pink Room
My heart at times, becomes heavy, full of turmoil. As I strive to become His pure Bride, periodically suffering surfaces. This world is like a heavy weapon against His grace, pounding my head with shameful thoughts; dredging up my failures, my hopes and dreams that are now, at 56, seemingly impossible to achieve.

Shame still tries to raise its ugly head. As I listen to lectures on Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families, it’s so clear to me how ingrained this insidiousness has permeated every nook and cranny of my life, bringing a stench of rot with it. It’s destructive force overcame all attempts of mine to outrun it, to break if off me. My endeavors to outsmart it by arming myself with knowledge of the family disease has me defeated. The vast knowledge I have accumulated on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder gives me insight into the nightmares, depression, hyper-vigilance to name just of few symptoms of C-PTSD. All the money spent on various therapists, too many to list, defied my power, enabling It to destroy yet another generation. My dear son, my oldest, at the tender age of 23, succumbed to his own demons of destruction when death caught him in its grasp far too early.

This inherited sickness still, in some ways, permeates the very fiber of my being. Still I am attracting narcissistic men. I even see its ugly traits in myself and wonder if it’s what is keeping me from overcoming the inner “ick”. Bring raised by a selfish, overgrown abusive bully has left its scar tissue deeply embedded within my soul. Behavior patterns are deeply entrenched in my brain. I continue the hard work of renewing my mind into the mind of Christ. “Progress not perfection,” as said in the healing rooms of various 12 step meetings.

Intellect does not save one. Years of various types of therapy, a college degree in Chemical Dependency Counseling with credentials and extensive research pertaining to healing from addictions and all forms of abuse, both obvious and hidden. I have also spent countless hours viewing You Tube lectures looking for answers on these destructive conditions, and yet I still feel so frustrated and empty. My head totally gets it, and I can use my knowledge to help others heal, but my heart is still broken.

Since being a young child I have sought my fathers’ love, approval, validation, adoration and protection. As an adult I have attended an Ivy league college, become a published writer, obtained professional credentials, and become an accomplished woman . Nothing I have done has been able to gain his approval. I still yearn to hear affirming words validating my worthiness for love and adoration from him.

I have heard it said many times: one cannot give to their children what was never given to them. Hence the deficits in the loving department.The shamed shame. The rejected reject. The abused abuse. The shame is insidious and unquenchable – toxic and so hard to heal. It only heals in relationships with healthy, loving, affirming people.

Praying and crying out to God has been the way of healing and restoration for me. I have a love relationship with my Redeemer. I cling to Him, hoping someday to escape this insane evil plot against humankind.

At times I am so lonely it hurts. I feel an ache in my heart, a yearning in my soul for connection, laughter, fellowship.

I think to myself, This is why people go to bars. They are so vulnerable to being picked up by unsavory characters; falling for the age old pick up lines like , “Where have you been all my life?” and other wonderful sounding, captivating entrapment lines.

This is why people escaping abusive relationships often return to the abuser. Loneliness. Emptiness. Shame. Feeling of being such a loser.

Regarding loneliness…flashback to myself as a little girl, the lost child, retreating to the safety of my pink painted room. Sanctuary. Retreat. My own sacred space. Pink for girl. Pink for softness for a precious little girl. My mother labored over that room; carefully selecting curtains to match the soft pink walls. She was so proud of her efforts to camouflage my fathers junk stored in my sacred space.

That room was supposed to my safety zone, instead it turned into a torture chamber. No doors were hung, but merely curtains to block the view of whether I was “decent” or not as my father would always asked before entering. His hobby room was off from my sacred space. The man that scared me so asked me permission to enter into my sacred pink room in order to enter his man cave. Little did I know he had a hidden stash of porn in his man cave.

Demons of lust abode in that room, right next door. Demons of anger, rage and shame manifested there also, in my supposed sanctuary, on a regular time frame. Sunday night my parents went bowling, leaving me in the house with my abusive brothers.The precious little girl, at the mercy of the cruel brothers. Sunday nights were torment nights. As their abuse began in the living room, I tried to ignore them as much as possible by staring at the television, rocking my body back and forth in an attempt to comfort my terrified self. I tried so hard to ignore them as they surrounded my chair, taunting me, threatening me, accusing me of whatever their evil minds could conjure up.

As the vicious momentum reached an overwhelming level of terror I could no longer tolerate, I fled to pseudo safety. They pursed me with their evil surmising . My father, being the typical Adult Child of an Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Family did not complete the remodeling job he set out to do eons ago. Still I had no doors hung on my doorway, therefore there was no lock to ensure my safety. Regular beatings took place in my pink torture chamber. That is where I learned to take beatings, emotional, physical and sexual. This is where I learned to tolerate the intolerable. As my mother has said for years “You are a glutton for punishment”. “I wonder where I learned that, ma?!”

Today, as an adult, in my periodic times of feeling that loneliness, those demons of shame, resentment, bitterness and un-forgiveness still try beckoning me to acknowledge their presence, their right to continue to torment me. In prayer, I seek my Savior and Deliverer to fill those lonely places. ( I invite the Father to protect me from anymore unsavory characters to take up residence in my haven of rest in the here and now.)

I have been lonely in my marriages. It is ironic that the last two husbands were so much like my brothers in terms of verbal, not physical abuse. The generational crazies began again…as these professed Christian men set out to character assassinate me with their mouths, I fled to the sacred space of my bedroom. Attempting to detach from their demon-like shrieking, they, in turn, came at me with their verbal assaults upon my soul, and they, like my brothers, violated my boundaries, entering into my sacred space to continue their tormenting accusations, bullying and projecting their own sins onto me.

I am grateful that I was able to flee those habitations of demons by the grace of my Heavenly Father. I would rather endure this kind of loneliness than be in another loveless abusive marriage. Today, my bedroom is not pink, it is not invaded by any man, abusive or otherwise. It is indeed my quiet, sacred space where I can relax into deep slumber, knowing that I will not be harmed.

This is not what the Creator designed marriage and family for. The enemy of mankind fuels generational sins of abuse to torment the souls of humankind. Our Creator gave us boundaries and guidelines found in the Scriptures. Although my mother tried to raise us in the fear of the Lord,my father was not a believer. He and my mother both grew up in abusive homes, they were both abused in various ways, they were both abandoned by parents. They were both raised with alcoholic families. This way of child rearing has profound impact on the next generation. The scriptures talk of the sins of the fathers being visited upon the next generation. When and if we, individually and as a family return to our Creator and follow His ways, He will forgive and heal our families and our land. 2 Chronicles 7:14. Also see Exodus chapter 20. The whole of the Torah instructs His children how to love Him, and love our neighbor as